King Warren the Moron and Read An eBook Week

Warren thinks he's king of his domain and can't understand why he never gets any respect. Read about Warren's nutty descent into a crazy grieving son running around in his underwear. His dysfunctional family will gross you out and crack you up!

You can download King Warren the Moron for free all week during Read An eBook Week at Smashwords.com. You don't even need an eReader or any special software to read it! You can read a PDF with a free download of Acrobat Reader if you don't already have it.

 

Enjoy!!

Darlene's Beer Keg

Old beer keg

This is the type of old beer keg I imagined Darlene would be sitting on as she tended her nightly campfire. Not at all comfortable but better than sitting on the ground or on the old toilet Warren used as a seat.

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Download a copy of King Warren the Moron in PDF format at Smashwords.com. Here's the link:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/312151

and read it with free Acrobat Reader. It's only free until midnight tonight (July 31, 2013). After midnight it returns to its regular price of $2.99.

How would you survive if suddenly you had to do without the basic things in life that we in the western hemisphere take for granted? How would you perform everyday tasks like preparing a meal or taking a bath without running water or access to a well? How would you prepare or eat a meal without pans, utensils or dishes? How could you do any of those things without electricity? What would you do with your time without electricity to watch TV, use a computer or have light after dark?

I imagined these things after deciding to write Warren's story. It would be difficult for an individual to find solutions to these hardships but even harder for an entire family. There is a population of people in probably every town that chooses to be homeless and, for the most part, live without most modern conveniences. However, the homeless in or near cities can access human service agencies and homeless shelters which do offer showers, hot meals and clean clothes. However, Warren seems perfectly OK with doing without the things that his family longs for and that most people take for granted.

Even when Darlene orders him to go to the river for a bath, he doesn't want to go and doesn't bother to take off his clothes to bathe, making the effort pointless. He doesn't care if his family is clean, fed or happy as long as he has his beer and cigarettes. He keeps a lame belief that eventually his mother will soften and allow the family back into her house where he's lived his entire life. Even after his mother is brutally murdered he moves back into the house and continues his filthy existence indoors.

Darlene does her best to feed her family at least one meal per day and keep their clothes clean. She obviously has no pride as she washes her hair in a laundromat washing machine with a coffee cup from the trash after the machine fills to wash the family's dirty clothes. She has her children wash themselves before school with the melted ice from the beer cooler and feeds them hotdogs every day because it's the only thing she can cook on the end of a stick over a campfire.

Darlene's mother-in-law is cruel as she laughs at the family's situation which she forced on them herself. She calls them names and laughs heartily at their hardship while expecting them to run errands and do other favors for her. She keeps her own agoraphobic daughter Alice enslaved as her personal servant while she enjoys the luxury of watching old reruns alone in her living room with her beer and cigarettes. Ironically, Alice watches her brother and his family almost with envy as she appreciates the freedom they have and dreams of escaping the house that Warren so desperately wants to return to.

Find out the funny crazy ways Warren's family overcomes and survives the hardships of living in his mother's old backyard shed in the ebook King Warren the Moron.

Darlene Tries to Please Warren with Sausages

In Chapter 3 Darlene takes Warren's demand to have something besides hot dogs for dinner to heart. She spends a good part of the day ruminating on what to prepare for dinner that can be cooked over a campfire without a pan or utensils. The family has been eating nothing but hot dogs for the weeks that they've been banished to living in the back yard shed by Ruby, Warren's sadistic mother. Darlene is pretty proud of herself for buying sausages instead of the daily hot dogs and having them ready and waiting when Warren returns home from his first day at his new job.

However, Warren doesn't notice the difference between the sausages and hot dogs as Darlene happily greets him hoping to receive some gratitude and appreciation for her efforts. Even when she explains to him that he's not eating a hot dog he grumbles that they look the same. Then he calls for his beer and when asked how his first day went replies that it sucked.

Warren is a homeless bum who doesn't realize he's a homeless bum. He can't see anything wrong with the way he lives and the way he treats his family. He expects his wife and family to see everything his way and respect and admire him. He doesn't see how lucky he is to have his loved ones around him because they are the only ones who see him as the utter failure that he is, yet they are still sleeping with him in the filthy shed, eating hot dogs from a stick and bathing in the melted ice from his beer cooler waiting for him to finally figure things out and support them like a good father and husband should. Will Warren ever get a clue?

Warren's New Couch and Michael's New Moped

When I met my second husband he was renting the lower apartment of a two family house in the Greeneville section of Norwich, Connecticut where I also lived after we were engaged. The house was on Route 12 which runs parallel to the Shetucket River in Greeneville which is a working class village with several narrow streets running perpendicular to the four main streets that lead to the other areas of town.  Running between these side streets are dirt alleyways that cross from street to street behind the houses within some of the blocks. Because our apartment house was close to the bank of the Shetucket and part of a row of  houses parallel to Route 12 with railroad tracks that ran along the river, the dirt road began at his house and ended about a quarter of a mile north in the parking lot of what used to be a "massage parlor." By the time I moved into the area the building was vacant and abandoned.

 Because the dirt road behind the house was so secluded it attracted many homeless people in the summer where they would set up camp on the river bank behind the old massage parlor. It also became a regular dumping ground for tenants getting rid of junk they didn't want to move with them and irresponsible  landlords cleaning out their rentals. One time someone actually dumped a pile of trash right behind our garage in our yard! At least the others went as far as the river or found a spot within the trees.

Anyway, my husband and I would often take strolls down the dirt road for a little exercise or to see what was going on in the neighborhood. When no one was living in the homeless camp we would sit there and enjoy the view of the river and sometimes fish there. We couldn't help but notice all the junk that other people had dumped into the river over the years and that a lot of the junk consisted of old couches and mopeds. We would entertain ourselves by making up stories as to how so many couches and mopeds ended up in that part of the river.

When I wrote King Warren the Moron I wondered how poor people, or people who reserved all of their cash for beer and cigarettes, would wash their clothes. I thought they might wash them in the river like the pioneer people. Then I thought it would be funny to have Warren and Michael perceive this junk as treasure and want to take them home. The way they move their treasures from the river to the shed is pretty funny, not to mention dangerous, but it gets the job done.

The Cars of King Warren the Moron

Since Warren and his family are poor because he's content to sit around and drink all day and night instead of working to provide a decent home for his children, any cars he happens to own are going to be old pieces of crap.  His car would likely be decades old in order for them to be in his price range and since the story takes place in the mid 90s any car he could afford would probably be a model from the 70s. This gave me the opportunity to use cars from my past in the story.

The 1972 Plymouth Duster junked in the yard was my first car which I bought from my parents when I was 18. I actually took over their payments and paid it off. By the time I had to get rid of it, it had all the damage that is described in the ebook. I allowed my boyfriend to take it cruising and boozing with his friends while I was at work during the day. He always had a good story to explain how it was never his fault when he would pick me up from work with a new dent in it. He was never allowed behind the wheel of the car I bought to replace the Duster. Live and learn.

The other junk car in the yard, a Ford Pinto, was my mother's car. It was the first car she bought herself since before she married my father. My parents always shared a car until then because my mother didn't work outside the home until I was a teenager. She bought it to drive herself to work and taught my younger sister to drive in that car. The hatchback was a cool new thing back then and we could carry a lot of beer in it. Throw a blanket over it and no one knew the hatchback held cases of beer. My sister totaled the Pinto mere weeks after getting her drivers license driving home from the drive-in with our cousin and a friend.

I chose a Ford Maverick for Warren's present car because there were a lot of them around in the early 70s. They were pretty ugly when they were new, so imagining one still on the road in the 90s was pretty humorous. Full of empty beer cans and no exhaust system just added to the humorous imagery. Dark green seemed to be a popular color for them so his was dark green. I don't remember ever riding in one or knowing anyone who owned one other than a couple of neighbors, I just remember them being everywhere.

Ron's car is a 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass. Since Ron is better than Warren at holding down a job he was fortunate enough to own a much newer car than him even though it was still ten years old. I gave Ron a Cutlass because back in the 80s they were a pretty sharp looking car and I wouldn't have minded owning one myself. My father was an Oldsmobile driver for many years and owned a succession of Delta 88s. Oldsmobile used to make a really nice car and it's too bad they ended production.